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“One discovers that destiny can be directed, that one does not have to remain in
bondage to the first imprint made in childhood. One need not be branded
by the first pattern. Once the deforming mirror is smashed,
there is a possibility of wholeness, there is a possibility of joy.”
—Anais Nin
The term “old tapes” is often used for messages that come to us from our families and the cultures we live in. Our lives are made up of our choices, so it is important to look at the beliefs which underly the choices we make.
We automatically accept beliefs in our young years from age two to five, a time when we do not yet have the reasoning ability to determine their validity. But we also accept many of our families’ beliefs over the years beyond five just as automatically. We love our parents, even when they are difficult. We live closely with them and see their behaviors and create beliefs from those silent unspoken actions. These also are part of our current beliefs, feelings, and habits.
Although our upbringing instills in us our beliefs about life, they are not always helpful. We have only to look at some of the medical advice we once believed in.
Once we were told “coffee is harmful,” but today we are told it is good for our hearts. Well, those messages we got from our parents as we grew up can be even more deadly. They began at age two when a smile is a reward for cute behavior. Many little boys got the “men don’t cry” message. As we grew up, some messages often given with good intent were very harmful. One of my sisters-in-law was told that to keep a husband she had to have a beautiful body. She went through several cosmetic surgeries before her husband divorced her and eventually married a woman who didn’t have that belief. These examples are spoken messages.
However, not all the beliefs were spoken, and others were not strictly enforced. These silent actions still conveyed meaning to us and created beliefs about important things such as how to react to situations. Sometimes silent messages can be difficult to unravel. Yet, they often deal with important aspects like sex, money, what to eat and not to eat, about what is attractive and not attractive, our relationship to the divine, and every other area of our life. And all these old tapes, whether spoken or silent, tag along behind us until we examine them.
Psychologist Alfred Adler stated these early beliefs dictate a person’s behavior and an individual cannot develop a true understanding without a behavioral change. Adler also addressed the fact that it is difficult to change behavior if a person cannot verbalize it. Writing in your journal can begin the verbalizing process.
Since we must look at our parents’ behavior to ferret out all of the messages sent, I suggest utilizing these questions and any that come to you to help you uncover hidden beliefs:
What horrified your parents?
What made them scold you?
What topics of conversation were forbidden? How did you know they were?
What habits or lifestyles were not allowed?
What do you think your mother or father never did?
What rules were enforced? How were they reinforced?
What role did money play in your family’s life?
How did your parents communicate?
When and for what were you rewarded?
How did they react to stress?
What did they appear to believe about life and death?
As you answer your questions, consider your reaction to them. What beliefs did you form from the unspoken mannerisms and actions? Are there other interpretations you could have applied to the events that created your belief? Can you see how your beliefs affected your life? Are they are still playing out in your life now? Do you still honor them? Have you abandoned them? Or are you still fighting against them?
Don’t look to anyone else for the answer. Two children in the same family will react differently. If money is the subject, one child may become a saver who hates to spend a penny unnecessarily while the other may be a spendthrift, always broke.
Those two examples are extreme, and the main issue is: Are your actions serving you? What specific reactions would you like to change? If you changed them, what gift would you receive?
You can create a dialog with your old tapes, using your dominant hand for questions and your non-dominant for answers. Any answer that arises as you process through the material should be looked into with your adult eyes and understanding. The list offered is a basic series of questions. As you start the process, you may come up with other questions to explore. This is good. You may discover even more deeply hidden ideas you erroneously formed.
Don’t limit the questions to only parents, apply them to anyone you looked up to or were close to. I had a 94-year-old aunt who that felt not making her bed was a terrible thing to do. She became fragile and bedmaking became a chore. So, she made up her bed and slept in a chair so she would not have to expend the energy to make her bed each day.
Our beliefs are passed down, from generation to generation. What beliefs are you passing on? My aunt didn’t have children, and we were close. As a result, many of her beliefs were passed on to me. Fortunately, that one didn’t stick. I make my bed when I feel like it, and if I don’t want to make it, I don’t. Not making my bed isn’t the end of the world. If there is someone close to you, like my aunt was to me, you might look and see if there are any of his or her beliefs you have accepted to determine how valid they are and how they affect you.
Most parents pass along messages they believe will be helpful to their child or young adult. They do not intend to hurt; they just don’t understand what they are doing. Forgive any message you have chosen to not continue to accept. You alone are the captain of your fate. So, grab the helm, and review the things you believe in to determine if they help you. If they don’t, throw them overboard!
Questions to consider in examining old tapes:
An old tape can be a saying, like “Boys don’t cry” or “A penny saved is a penny earned.” They can also be something specific such as “you have to go to worship every week.” Some are just outdated. Others are extremely harmful. Some are helpful. They are a mixed bag. Look at all areas of your life, marriage, and family, work, spirituality, personal care and behavior, recreation, and leisure.
Sort out your old tapes by asking questions such as:
What behavior has this produced in me?
Why did I add this in the first place?
How does it limit me? What does it prevent me from having?
Does it offer me any positive gifts? If so, what?
Is there another way to receive any of its good results without those that are abrasive?
Is this an old tape I want to pass on to my children?
Does this involve any of my core values? Why? What does it represent?
How does this old tape work with my values?
Old tapes determine our values. determine our behavior, choices, and ultimate rewards and losses. We need to be aware of how they impact our lives.
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